*proofreading my life*

like someone asked, is there really any benefit?

mind you, there is.

ok, even if it is actually not, i assume it is worth a shot. haha. from my viewpoint, life is about making decisions, so u need ample time to come out with decision. … the phrase means (the way i intepret it) to make a favourable judgement despite an uncertainty. having good opinion bout it. poor us..if we are highly criticized under the situation..but there is another phrase, better late than never.

u may stay in there for quite a while.. but when u end up on losing (not actually lose.. how bout ill-fated? haha), u cannot complain. on the other hand, u may flatly condemn the benefit n go radical, but u may miss good things..  i mean the ‘benefit’. benifits are subjective.. it may be beneficial to me, i may not be 2 u.

do you want me to give you the benefit of the doubt? ..or, do i, at any time, deserve it? hmm.

if certain things are inevitable, why rush for it? haa.. (this thinking ruined me previously, tho its sumhow true).

like in the muvi ‘Buying the Cow’. when you can get the milk, why buy the cow?

because life is about making decisions. so while you’re at it, enjoy ur ride..

I pity my eyes… damn pity. my eyes demand for a rest.. but how can?

selingan… lagu ‘kenangan terindah’ kat HotFM…layaan… nak dekat sepuluh kali dgr kat radio dah hari ni..tp kalo pasang byk kali pon takpe.

where was i? oh yes, the eyes. MY eyes. work in the office = facing computer. minus the days or hours in which i would go out of d ofis, i face the monitor almost endlessly. report there, draw layout there, internet there,.. i think the only times when i actually dont have 2 face the comp are when i go to toilet (luckily), go consult in my boss’ room, or do binding. even my lunch pon depan komp, most of the time. ye ke? when i skip lunch la, which happen like almost all the time. hey, i’m not complaining. work is piling up,so wut? i oppose them end! i am paid to work. my boss hav nothing 2 prove, I HAVE. i owe him sumthing. i shud earn my..everything lah. it is just that, sumtimes i wonder..if i work as cashier, pump attendant ke, delivery boy ke, xde la torture mata camni.. from the eye pain i went on to feel n hav headache, obviously. kang lama2 kena pakai spek..x rock aah! cant take my eyes of u..eye of a tiger, in your eyes.. wut an inspiration. it’s official. i’m a SNAG. please, other ppl dont jump into the bandwagon. its not worth it.

ada ke orang dilahirkan loser..? ada ke? mana ada… kalao anda loser pon.. anda yg buat diri anda loser..

tp ada jugak benda2 berlaku yg buat anda rasa macam anda ni loser gila b**i… contohnya, time kelam kabut..time tuh la anda tertinggal kunci kereta dalam kereta.. (aik, mcm familiar je..). anda kena ‘pau’ ketika jalan di tempat2 sunyi atau mencurigakan (sapa suruh), motor anda dicuri diangkat lori walau anda ikat mangga sebesar buah mangga di tayar motor anda, anda basahkan seluar anda di tandas ketika ‘date’ anda tunggu di meja makan.. anda tau ini semua bukan irony tapi loser, tapi sebenarnya anda harus faham anda sendiri yg buat diri anda loser.. 

tapi kalo anda kata anda loser dalam bercinta, baik anda check balik… btol ke anda ni loserr… ke anda buat2 je kata anda loser? kalo minah@ mamat yg anda usha tu x minat anda balik selepas anda confess, dan terang2 ramai orang turut serta meng’usha’i minah@ mamat itu, mmg sah lah anda loser dengan L sebesar lesen L di dahi anda. Tapi sekiranya anda confess taktala dia tengah bercengkerama dengan orang lain.. mungkin anda tidaklah loser sgt, kerana u actually lost a fight which has never started. faham tak? (macam boss aku lak).. anda tidak pernah berjuang… perang dah selamat abes sebelum anda masuk line; tentera lawan pon tak pernah mengaku anda lawannya, jadi macam mana anda boleh kata anda ‘kalah’? anda ni mungkin lebih tepat atau serasi jika dikategorikan sebagai S.S atau syok sendiri berbanding loser. dan satu lagi situasi malang ialah anda tidak pernah masuk ‘line’ langsung, tetapi anda meminati minah@ mamat itu separuh mampus.. maka anda juga bukanlah loser, tapi anda ialah pengecut. sama ada anda menganggap dia memang tahu ‘rahasia’ anda dan tidak mahu respon, atau anda biarkan dia dalam kegelapan dan anda terus kemalapan, itu tidak penting. itu bukan soalnya. soalnya siapa? soalnya anda mewujudkan alasan2 atau dakyah2 penyedap hati dengan memikir "dia mmg x sesuai untuk aku" "aku mmg x sesuai untuk dia" "dia xkan nak aku" "ada banyak sangat penghalangnya" "takkanlah seindah itu", maka anda sememangnya pengecut dan sedikit lagi anda boleh terjerumus ke dalam lembah yg lebih hina dari lembah loser. anda bukan ‘loser’ dalam erti pengalah, jauh sekali beralah atau mengalah, tetapi anda sebenarnya suka mengalahkan diri anda. kalah besar pulak tu. dalam erti kata lain, anda memang ‘big loser’ la.  

oleh itu, marilah kita sama2 renungkan diri kita. kalah sekali tak bereti kalah selama-lamanya. tapi kalau anda suka lama-lama dalam kekalahan, maka lamalah anda di tahap itu. dan mungkin jika anda berasal dari Selama, maka lamalah sikit. tapi anda harus ingat, Tuhan itu maha mengasihani. ia bukan alasan untuk anda menagih simpati; tapi jika anda kalah sesuatu, mungkin anda menang benda lain. Mungkin jika anda menang semua, anda bukan sahaja berlagak, anda akan jadi riak,bongkak,takbur,ujub dan seangkatan lagi. maka bangunlah pagi esok dengan ceria..dan sedarlah apabila tertutup satu pintu kebahagian untuk anda, terbuka gerbang kebahagian untuk mereka dan banyak lagi pintu kebahagian yang barangkali menanti anda ketuk nun jauh di sana..

Hari Kemerdekaan = Independence Day, not Freedom Day. I’ll let you mull over that topic by yourself..coz if i put my thoughts into it, it wud take the whole day.

So wut did i do last nite for the so-called Merdeka eve? but most importantly, HOW did i do it? huhu. Please dont be judgmental. i am not forgetting the hard work of our past leaders; as long as i know that i am ‘merdeka’ at heart, and i know that i appreciate them, there is no need to celebrate. maybe i’ll celebrate next year when we will b achieving 50years of independence. well that is a landmark. hah.

The day was fine, as i was not in total madness at office..it was rather a relaxing day. but suddenly my boss, driving from Taiping, wanted me to join him at a meeting in Mutiara Damansara (more precisely, The Curve) at 6pm, so asked me to be there at 5.30 with all ths plans and red letters. so ‘rempit’ came into force (through PLUS highway), but it was worth it. the meeting was attended by me n my boss, Datuk Ghazali Mohd Ali, the Director of Boustead Curve Sdn Bhd (the developer and owner of the Curve), a subsidiary of Boustead Properties Bhd., and Mr. Yaman Abdul Hamid,CEO of Jendela Hikmat Sdn Bhd., another subsidiary of Boustead Holdings. I felt so little, but thanks to me boss (tho actually he was saving time) for the experience and exposure. the gud thing to know is, Datuk Ghaz was (or actually is?) a planner.

After the meeting, i refused to go back early. I wanted 2 make my ride to PJ an extra worthy one. Plus, every Wednesday is a Movie day. So went to OU and watched AntBully (haha…xde cite lain ke, but it was ok la..). Roads closed around the Ikano area coz Anuar Zain is performing (so?), then i rode back to S.Alam (Once of Dewa was at Plaza Alam Sentral..but tired lah) and reached home minutes before Mawi n Aznil did the countdown at KLCC (thats wut i saw on tele). So what shud we do today, a holiday? rest laah…    

Its actually not hard to live the life you choose, if you know what u want and u follow ur dreams. And most importantly, NO REGRETS! (cakap boleh laa..) okay,okay, if not totally, at least dont have too much regret. Damn, so many things happen and it was so quick. While i was leading my life, i totally forgot about other important things happening, ..the war, Pesta Bola Merdeka, EPL (game arsenal pon x tgk..kalah lak tu..:( ),asean economic meeting ..lucky for me i dont hav to care about Siti’s wedding, instead i watched mawi n ina. Haha.

Poyo.

Yep, life actually can be pretty amusing and really amazing. Well, my life is pretty much like that at the moment. Just had breakfast with me dad at the restaurant kat bawah ofis just now.. my mom is relaxing at my ‘bujang’ house rite now.. both of them are leaving for taiping at noon. Me? Relieved after undergoing a busy yet wonderful and thrilling days. Convocation took place last 2 days.. My feeling? Pleased, content (joy is too big of a word for me), happy fo my parents and fortunate. Poyo pon ada.haha. Syukur alhamdulillah, n I thank all of my teachers and friends for always helping me and filling my life with great experience. It was a proud moment lah for my family, i guess..well that is what i hav been working for, for years. Not that it is a ‘passport’ or permission to be arrogant. But when u r blessed and rewarded in life, u shud know that God have chosen u, u shud b thankful but at the same moment u hav to repay His trust and reward by performing well and contribute to life.It is sort of a reminder from Him, the way i c. I’ve been trying hard, after all His blessings, to actually be a better person, ‘religiously’. (cakap boleh laa.. lepas tuh buat balik.. konfiden je akan terbukak hati..haiii..). Well, the least i can do is become a good man, if not a decent man, n be appreciative. Enuff of the ‘depressing mode’; ..these achievements, qualification and awards, will without doubt be a motivation for me to actually follow my dreams and be a man with a mark. Coz i live only once. Wonder what will happen next… now back to work, and i just hit the ‘Play’ button..

Poyo.

"What Have You Done for Your Country?" - MCOBA Billboard at MCOBA Weekend ‘04

"With Great Power, Comes Great Responsiblilites" - Spiderman (no i’m not a superhero..but this is a gud motivation tagline..)

"We all fail. But it not failing that hurts. What hurts is knowing that you didn’t give your best" -read it in 2000. Holding to it ever since..

its 6 o’clock in the morning…and i’m still at the office. me myself is pretty much amused.. but hey, i have to do wut i have 2 do, n i will do it if i want to do it. get it? hah.. after all, i already applied for a leave today (friday), to attend the rehearsal for convo in UIA.compulsory nway.. so i guess i need to at least finish up my work as much as i can coz i wont b available for the days 2 come.

like i said to a friend earlier in the nite.. one of the things that make working life different from studying is that u cant afford to make excuses and try to neglect in order to get through your tasks.. for example, as a student you can take MC and avoid a presentation day, u can escape from classes but still get the homework done and cover the lesson in the next class, or u can leave an ongoing class, go out to hav a chat n drink at the cafe (haha..) n only return when the class is about 2 finish in 5 minutes time.. but when ur working..there’s no point in doing that. shud u delay, or take the ‘i-have-no-mood-rite-now-so-i’ll-do-this-sumtime-later’ approach.. u’d go nuts coz d workload will always b in front of u. whatever happen, u still hav 2 finish it up. if u procrastinate, u will only burden urself more in the future.. so unless ur ready to work hard, do not ever think of sending your CV to private firms… (hey, this sounds familiar..haha).   

so i’ll be in uia in a few hours time.. meeting ol frens.. tho some of them (some?) are ppl i am trying to avoid c-ing or bumping into. yah,yah, i know i’m not being rational. i’m weak at the heart. i have a big heart, but maybe vulnerable..? huhu. no lah.. this is me, sumtimes i just complicate things when there is really nothing as close as what can be called an ‘issue’. or mayb what i do is plain ‘mengada-ngada’. but i prefer if its viewed as ‘bersusah-payah’. talk about issues, yeah.. sumhow a friend told me that i am not wut she imagined 2b at the 1st place.. 1st she thought i was sumhow an MWI (man with issues..), but it turn out that i am actually a SNAG (sensitive-new-age-guy).. the thing she said was actually depressing, or simply disheartening.. HAHA. but hey, that is wut a person see me; a point of view. so i hav 2 accept it. tho she may hav a weak ground for her statement..she doesnt really know me well n we seldom hang out together (or mayb never?)..but i know there is Truth in it. well it is up to ppl lah. sumtimes i just cudnt care less..sumtimes. if it is a thoughtful ‘teguran’ or a point i can take 4 improvement, then its fine lah. at least i always do what i want to do n never hide it from ppl.. i think i am not pretentious. ell, there is a lot bigger things in life that concern me other than ppl’s judgement.

alredi 6.30! i hav 2 go back home.. rehearsal at 11, friday prayer at 1 ++, off to ipoh for a fren’s wedding at 4..wedding reception at 8, come back to klang valley later at nite.. entertain family coming to kl the next day, prepare for convo, convo on the very next day..dinner on the 29th.. i think i am going to head into hectic days. hopefully not frantic. hah. n not forgetting, practice for band performance for a merdeka concert at titiwangsa lak. hihi… hey, i thought the band is dead already? huhu.. i like my life rite now..it’s occupied. yes.   

Hahahahaha…. bodoh.

I started my day doing sumthing really,really stupid. I was daydreaming waayyyy too much! I was supposed to go out n by linen paper for plan plotting. The shop was actually not far… from my office at section 9 (near concorde n all), i was supposed to go straight at the big roundabout near Tesco n arrive there..safely n properly. Instead! I turned left and hit the highway…bloody fool. i only realized that i am on the wrong road only when i saw the big row of toll booth… haha… x pasal2 kena bayar sinngit skupang lak tuh! Aduh…. so a 2-kilometre journey ended up being more than 15! Siap masuk subang jaya… dah la i’m due to go to subang jaya again at 2. Damn.

This thing used to happen to me many,many times before.. but those were trips ON BIKE. So this time, same stupid mistake on a car even cost me money! Aduh…dah la gaji xmasuk lagi. Damn survivor. Maybe becoz I travelled a lot 2 subang jaya n PJ these days..so my body got ‘used’ to hit the highway.. or my mind was actually tired. I drove from gombak to shah alam this morning at 6.15 am.. since i slept over at zaime’s room. (reached uia late last nite..so didn’t contact others there). Reached home at 7am..siap2 tros gi ofis.. your mind controls every movement. How TRUE is that… so hope i can do my work 2day with less stupid mistake. Damn.  

so this is my first try at the whole ‘blogging’ world… i do not know ‘why now’ but mayb because i think special things are about to come..or i am entering a new (and IMPORTANT) phase of my life.. where i think i shoud put more time looking back at days of my life. or mayb the plain reason is that i am having an easier access to internet..or my journals always end up being unfinished item.. so depressing to look at my own ugly handwriting.

so why have a blog? am i heavily influenced? naah.. but i admit my frens are doing it right and they optimize their ‘right to write’. youppe, acai n str (just naming a few) treat this seriously.. n they share their xperience n approaches to things.. a noob like me sumtimes learned lots of lesson.. nisa said her blog is just ‘full of writings of craps..’ just expressing emotions and all..but sumtime she does send ‘messages’ to ppl who she thinks might b reading.. others treat it nicely, while some just put lyrics to feel good..or things that leave them ‘feeling good’ of themselves.. to all cinema-goers, remember carlsberg’s ‘good things in life are shared’? well is this part of it? share your thoughts, opinions, anger, dissatisfaction? naahh…

so if i want to share my life with you, let me tell you that i think my life is just full of mood swings.. temperamental ppl like my boss makes me become just like him.. also i daydream even more than b4.. and i am getting less n less thankful.. well to certain extent, i think i’m becoming a codependent. i pray to God to give me strength, but when i do get it, i waste it away… 

………..

i always imagine my blog would be sumhow orange or black in colour.. those r my favourites. but then i guess orange only potrays one as being so active, exciting, sumhow aggressive (but not as strong as red) while black is an obvious negative-influenced.. unhappiness,gloomy,depression,self-control.. n so i think this scheme wud symbolize warmth n passion.. tho not as warm n calming as blue. but to see it like a glass is great.. ‘could i be read if i was see-through?"